What Does My Child Need From Me?

Becky • August 23, 2017

Becky Meline, LIMHP, LISW, IADC
Focus Therapy | A West Omaha Counseling Practice

Parenting is the hardest job on Earth. As a licensed child therapist and mother of three, I have been trained in numerous evidenced-based therapies to intervene with my children in an effective way; so why are there still times when I ask myself, “What in the world do they want from me?” Unfortunately, the same intervention used on three different children, may work well for one and be completely ineffective with the other two. Each and every child is uniquely different requiring that we meet their needs in a way that fits for their personality and temperament. Kids do not come with a manual explaining what works well and what doesn’t, or how to discipline them most effectively and build up their self-esteem. Parenting can feel like putting together an 80 piece bookshelf with no instruction manual; frustrating, and praying that our best guess is good enough so we don’t screw it up. I want to focus on one key component to parenting that is critical across the board, regardless of the child, and is something that all people need.

The Importance of Connection

To understand what our children need, we must first understand the importance of connection. From the first day children come into the world, they innately know that they need to be loved and cared for and they seek it out immediately. Human connection is powerful and the brain recognizes it as something that we need for survival; the same as food and water (Wolpert, 2013). Human connection can be healing; and without it, it can be devastating. We are hardwired for connection at all ages; and when caregivers consistently provide connection, we give children the gift of a secure attachment (Powell, et. al, 2013). The benefit of a secure attachment is life-long; they grow up to have healthier relationships, higher self-esteem, and the confidence to make their own choices (Powell, et. al, 2013). We all want the absolute best for our kids; so how do we build this secure attachment with our children and help them feel connected; even when their behavior drives us to want to do the opposite?

How Do I Connect with my Child?

· Fill Their Need

From the time babies are born they are trying to communicate their needs with us (Powell, et. al, 2013). Babies cry when they are hungry, tired, wet, upset, or just about everything else. Children throw tantrums trying to tell us what’s going on, and adolescents stop talking altogether and make us guess at what’s wrong. They are all communicating; it just doesn’t seem very effective; however; I do believe that it’s always the best way they know how. To build a secure attachment, Circle of Security would say that you need to do 2 important things. Comfort your child when they are upset, and meet their needs whenever possible (Powell, et. al, 2013). For example, if a baby is crying because they are hungry, and that need is never met, the baby eventually attempts to self-soothe and learns that they have to depend on themselves for comfort. On the flip side, when we identify their needs and meet them consistently, they see us as stable, predictable, and capable of providing for them, which increases their security with us (Powell, et. al 2013).

One thing I want to be clear on is that we don’t have to be perfect; in fact, it’s not healthy for our children to have a perfect parent. We can parent and make mistakes; lots of them. In fact, we only have to get it right about 30% of the time and that seems to be good enough for a secure attachment. (Powell, et al, 2013)

· Be a Detective

Jason was having a tantrum one morning and his mom was at her wits end; she was fed up with the kicking, screaming, and fighting to get ready for school. This was out of the ordinary; Jason was usually a pretty calm kid with minimal issues in his morning routine. Mom screamed, “What is wrong with you?” She then walked away to calm down, and eventually remembered that Jason had a dentist appointment scheduled later that morning. She will be picking him up from school to attend this and was dreading it because at the last appointment he had a couple of cavities filled and it was not a pleasant experience. After calming down, she heads back to the room and sits down on the floor next to Jason, she said, “Honey, are you worried about going to the dentist today?” His crying turned to a whimper and he leaned his head into her lap and said, “I don’t want another shot.”

Have you ever found yourself saying to your child, “Just tell me what you want!” or “Use your words!” The truth is that it’s actually really hard for many adults to be able to say what they need or express it appropriately. So imagine how difficult it is for kids to communicate their needs to us with less vocabulary and skills. Pay attention to changes in your child’s behavior because behavior has meaning and is usually driven by some underlying emotion. If the behavior seems out of place, ask yourself if something has changed recently for the child. When their behavior feels out of control, put on your detective hat and ask yourself, “What might they be feeling?” “How can I help them manage these emotions?” “How can I connect with him right now?” Physical touch is one of the fastest ways to calm your child down; either with a hug, rocking them or rubbing their back. By connecting with your kids when they’re upset, you help them see that they can trust you to help them handle their big emotion which builds a strong foundation for security (Powell, et. al, 2013).

· Play, play, play .

One of the best ways to connect with children is through play. Play allows us to enter the child’s inner world on their level and understanding. Play is how children make sense of their experiences and communicate them with us. Imagine if your boss could come and do your job for a day and deal with what you deal with. Would they have more empathy and perhaps a better understanding of why you’re feeling stressed, anxious or upset? When kids feel connected during play; they open up and express their feelings more freely. In PCIT (Parent Child Interaction Therapy), we teach a specialized play called Child Directed Interaction, and it basically teaches the parent skills to enhance the relationship and genuinely engage on their child’s level (Troutman, 2016). Parents come to session astonished because their child has started opening up more at home, their behaviors have decreased and their relationship is stronger. I encourage every parent to spend 5-10 minutes a day playing with their child; and not just playing but genuinely enjoying your time together. You’d be amazed at the results. For older children, family game nights help set aside time to connect in a world driven by electronics.

Connection is the foundation of all relationships; we need to know we are valued and that we matter to people. Children especially need to know this from their parents. They need us to connect not only when it is easy and fun, but especially when their behavior is at its worst. When every ounce of your mind and body is telling you to run away, shut down or scream at them; try to push through those feelings to connect with them. That will be a difference maker in your relationship. When we view the behavior as a need for connection rather than acting out to gain attention; we are more likely to meet their needs in a healthy way which will strengthen our relationship and give them lifelong benefits.

 

Powell, B., Cooper, G., Hoffman, K., Marvin, B. (2013) Circle of Security Intervention. New York, NY. The Guilford Press.

Troutman, B (2016) IOWA-PCIT, unpublished manuscript. www.pcit.lab.u-iowa.edu

Wolpert, S (2013, October, 10). UCLA neuroscientist’s book explains why social connection is as important as food and shelter. Retrieved from URL http://newsroom.ucla.edu/releases/we-are-hard-wired-to-be-social-248746.

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Audience of One: How Faith in God Helps Athletes Manage Pressure

By Becky Meline • September 10, 2025
By: Becky Meline, LIMHP MGCP One of my favorite topics to discuss with my athletes is the connection between their performance, and their relationship with God. I have found that those who lean on their faith and use God’s strength in their journey of athletics tend to be less stressed and happier knowing that they are not alone in pressure moments. Faith is never something I push on my athletes, if it’s already there GREAT! We build on it. If it’s not, I just encourage them to be curious about it. Every athlete knows the feeling—the nerves before a big game, the pressure to perform, the expectations from coaches, teammates, and even themselves. Sports bring incredible highs, but they can also bring crushing stress. In those moments, it can feel like your entire worth is tied to the scoreboard. But the truth is, your identity is found in something far greater than a win or loss: your relationship with God. Faith offers a foundation that no missed shot or bad game can shake. When you invite God into your athletic journey, the pressure doesn’t disappear, but it transforms. Instead of feeling like you carry the weight of performance on your shoulders, you can hand that weight to Him. Play for an Audience of One It’s easy to feel pressure when you think everyone is watching and judging your every move. God has given you spiritual gifts and every time you compete, practice, stand as a leader—God smiles. I encourage my athletes to shift their mindset to play for God—your true “Audience of One”—it changes everything. Your effortbecomes an act of worship, and the outcome becomes less important than the heart you bring. Many of my athletes choose to write on their tape job or wrist “Audience of One” as a reminder. Remember Who You Are in Christ The world measures success by stats and records, but God doesn’t. Your value is not defined by points scored, minutes played, or trophies earned. You are already chosen, loved, and enough because of Him. Knowing that frees you from tying your identity to your performance. Use Prayer as Your Pre-Game Routine Many athletes warm up their bodies before a game. Why not warm up your spirit too? A simple prayer before stepping on the court, field, or track can ground you: “Lord, give me peace. Help me use the gifts You’ve given me for Your glory. Win or lose, may I honor You.” Prayer calms nerves, centers your mind, and reminds you you’re not alone out there. Trust God With the Outcome Pressure often comes from fear—fear of losing, making mistakes, or letting people down. Faith helps you release that fear. You can trust that God already has a plan for your life, and one game will not make or break it. Success isn’t always about the scoreboard; sometimes it’s about perseverance, character, and growth. Some of the biggest lessons I have learned in my own athletic journey have come through pain and heart break. It’s hard to see any benefit in the moment--but I lean on a phrase I heard from on a pastor at our University church service after one of my hardest week in college. He said, “Faith is believing in advance, what will only make sense in reverse.” I had to trust that this really difficult experience was not wasted and that it will help me somehow in the future. I have no doubt God sent that message to me and I have found this to be true in all of my hard times. Find a phrase or scripture to lean on in hard times. Lean on Scripture in Tough Moments When doubt or pressure creeps in, Scripture becomes your fuel. Verses like “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13) or “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7) are reminders that God is with you in every challenge. Sports are a gift, but they were never meant to define you. By anchoring your heart in God, you can step into competition with confidence, freedom, and peace. Pressure will come, but faith transforms it into purpose. Play hard, compete with joy, and remember—you’re already victorious in Him.

Finding Balance: Managing the Pressures of Being a Student-Athlete

August 27, 2025
By: Becky Meline, LIMHP MGCP If you’ve ever sprinted from practice to a late-night study session, or sat in class still sore from the game the night before, you know the reality of being a student-athlete. It’s not just about making the winning play or acing the test—it’s about doing both, often on the same day. The pressure is real. But here’s the thing: the very challenges you face are also what make you stronger, more resilient, and more capable than you might realize. The Pressure of Game Day Picture this: it’s the night before the big game. Your stomach is tied in knots, and you can’t shut off the “what ifs.” What if I mess up? What if I let my team down? What if I’m not good enough? Every athlete has felt that way. The best learn to shift the pressure into power. Instead of fearing those nerves, they reframe them as fuel. That nervous energy is your body’s way of saying, “I’m ready.” When the whistle blows or the ball is served, focus on just one moment at a time. Not the score, not the outcome—just the play in front of you. Some athletes use music, some use breathing, some use a special pre-game routine. Whatever grounds you, lean on it. Pressure doesn’t have to crush you—it can sharpen you. Balancing the Books and the Ball Of course, the challenge isn’t only on the field. It’s also in the classroom. Imagine finishing an away game late at night and realizing you still have an essay due the next day. That’s the balancing act of a student-athlete: your sport demands so much, but so does school. Here’s where discipline becomes your greatest strength. A planner or calendar might not seem exciting, but it’s your lifeline. Breaking big assignments into smaller steps and using pockets of time—like studying on the bus or reviewing flashcards between classes—helps you stay ahead instead of drowning in deadlines. And don’t forget: teachers and coaches are human too. If you communicate with them early, most will respect the effort you’re putting in. You don’t have to carry it all alone. Don’t Lose Yourself in the Grind It’s easy to feel like your identity is just “the athlete” or “the student.” But you are more than your GPA and more than your stats. Make time to laugh with friends, enjoy hobbies, or simply rest. Sleep, nutrition, and mental recovery are not luxuries—they’re essentials. One day you’ll look back and realize the juggling act of being a student-athlete prepared you for so much more than sports or school. It taught you grit. It taught you balance. It taught you how to keep moving forward even when life is packed with pressure. Final Word Being a student-athlete isn’t easy. You’ll have days where the weight feels too heavy. But remember: pressure is a privilege. It means people believe in you. It means you’ve worked hard enough to be trusted with responsibility. And when you learn to handle that pressure—both on the field and in the classroom—you’ll carry those lessons with you for the rest of your life.
Child sitting, using a tablet, on a black couch. Blue clothing, light skin, various app icons on the screen.

A Parent’s Guide to Setting Limits on Social Media

August 27, 2025
By: Becky Meline, LIMHP MGCP Social media is a huge part of today’s world. Apps like Snapchat, TikTok, and Instagram are where many kids connect with friends, share their lives, and explore trends. But as a parent, it’s normal to wonder: When is the right time to let my child start using these apps? How do I keep them safe while still respecting their growing independence? Here are some practical tips to help you set healthy boundaries and keep tabs on your child’s social media use. 1. Know the Platforms Before You Say Yes Before allowing your child on any app, take time to learn how it works. Create your own account, explore the settings, and understand the privacy controls. Each app has unique features: Snapchat – Messages and pictures disappear quickly, making it harder for parents to track. TikTok – Highly engaging, with a mix of entertainment, trends, and sometimes inappropriate content. Instagram & Others – Visual-heavy platforms where likes and follows can impact self-esteem. When you know the app, you’ll be better prepared to set realistic rules. 2. Consider Age and Maturity, Not Just Rules Most platforms set their minimum age at 13 (due to U.S. privacy laws), but maturity matters more than the number. Ask yourself: Can my child follow family rules without constant reminders? Do they handle disappointment and conflict appropriately? Are they open to talking with me about uncomfortable situations? If the answer is “not yet,” it may be best to wait a little longer before granting access. 3. Start with Training Wheels When you do allow access, treat it like getting a driver’s license: start with supervision. Some ways to do this include: Require that you know their passwords at first. Keep accounts private, approving only friends they know in real life. Allow limited time online (e.g., 30–60 minutes per day). Encourage them to use social media in shared family spaces, not behind closed doors. 4. Use Built-In Parental Controls and Monitoring Tools Most apps now have parental controls or “Family Pairing” features. For example: TikTok has Family Pairing, allowing you to set screen time limits, filter content, and restrict direct messages. Snapchat offers Family Center, which lets you see who your child is friends with and who they’re messaging. iPhone/Android devices have built-in screen time management to limit overall app use. These tools don’t replace conversation but can support the boundaries you’ve set. 5. Have Ongoing Conversations (Not Just Rules) Checking in isn’t about snooping — it’s about teaching. Ask questions like: “What’s your favorite thing about TikTok right now?” “Have you seen anything online that made you uncomfortable?” “How do you decide who to follow or accept as a friend?” By talking openly and often, your child learns to see you as a safe person to come to if something goes wrong online. 6. Model Healthy Social Media Habits Kids notice how parents use technology. If they see you scrolling at the dinner table or checking notifications late at night, they’ll take that as “normal.” Show them balance by: Putting your phone down during family time. Setting your own screen time limits. Talking about how you choose what to share (and what to keep private). 7. Focus on Trust, Not Just Control Ultimately, your goal isn’t to monitor your child forever — it’s to help them build the skills to use social media responsibly on their own. Start with close supervision, gradually loosen restrictions as they show responsibility, and always keep the door open for honest conversation. Final Thought There’s no one “right” age to allow Snapchat, TikTok, or Instagram. The right time depends on your child’s maturity, your family’s values, and your willingness to stay engaged in their online world. With clear limits, open conversations, and ongoing guidance, you can help your child navigate social media safely and confidently.
Football player in green uniform running with the ball, other player in red close behind.

Tips to Overcome Self-Doubt as an Athlete

August 27, 2025
By: Becky Meline, LIMHP MGCP Every athlete—no matter how talented—faces moments of self-doubt. Questions like “Am I good enough?” or “Do I really belong on this team?” can creep in before a big game, after a mistake, or when comparing yourself to teammates. The truth is: self-doubt is normal. What matters most is how you respond to it. Building the right mindset and tools can help you move through those doubts and refocus on what you can control. Here are some practical strategies for athletes to handle self-doubt and step confidently into their role on the team: 1. Shift Your Focus from Comparison to Growth It’s easy to compare yourself to teammates or opponents, but comparison often fuels insecurity. Instead, track your own growth. Ask yourself: “Am I improving from last week? Last season?” Keep a training journal where you write down small wins. Focusing on personal progress helps you recognize that you belong because you’re committed to growth, not because you’re perfect. 2. Reframe the “Am I Good Enough?” Question Instead of asking “Am I good enough?” try asking: “What can I do today to get 1% better?” “How can I help my team right now?” This shift turns self-doubt into action. It keeps you grounded in effort and learning, not in judgment. 3. Use Positive Self-Talk What you say to yourself matters. Doubt often comes with a harsh inner voice. Challenge that voice by creating a short, empowering phrase you can repeat during tough moments, such as: “I’ve trained for this.” “I bring value to this team.” “One play doesn’t define me.” Athletes who consistently practice positive self-talk train their minds just like they train their bodies. 4. Lean Into the Team Mindset Remember—you’re not on your team by accident. Coaches chose you for a reason. Instead of focusing on where you rank compared to others, think about what you add: hustle, energy, encouragement, a specific skill set. Belonging isn’t about being perfect; it’s about contributing to the bigger picture. 5. Normalize Mistakes Self-doubt often spikes after a missed shot, an error, or a bad game. But mistakes are part of being an athlete. Use them as fuel to learn instead of proof that you don’t belong. A powerful reframe: “Mistakes mean I’m pushing my limits.” “Every athlete—even the best—has bad games. 6. Develop a Pre-Performance Routine Having a routine before practice or competition can anchor you when doubts rise. This could include deep breathing, listening to music, visualizing your role, or using your positive affirmation. A consistent routine tells your body and mind: “I’m ready.” 7. Talk About It Many athletes think they’re the only ones struggling with self-doubt, but that’s rarely true. Opening up to a coach, teammate, or sports counselor can help you realize you’re not alone. Sometimes, simply naming your doubt makes it lose its power. Final Takeaway Self-doubt doesn’t mean you don’t belong—it means you care. The question isn’t whether you’re “good enough.” The real question is: Are you willing to keep showing up, learning, and growing? The answer to that is already yes. Becky Meline, LIMHP MGCP Licensed Clinician & Certified Performance Coach Focus Therapy & Performance Coaching 402.513.4416

I Hate My Body and I’m Dreading Summer: 3 Things You Can Do To Positively Impact Your Relationship With Your Body

By Becky • June 26, 2023
By Sam Cleveland, NCC, PLMHP Summer, the one thing that students look forward to, to escape the classroom. For some summer is time to relax, have fun, continue to play sports, and take vacations. For others, summer can be a dreaded time of the year because of the “summer body” expectation that takes over. The […] The post I Hate My Body and I’m Dreading Summer: 3 Things You Can Do To Positively Impact Your Relationship With Your Body appeared first on Focus Therapy.

Success Made In The Summer

By Becky • May 23, 2023
By: Stef McAlpin, PLMHP My dad always taught me that athletes are made in the summer. I, as well as many others, believed in this. It isn’t lost on me years later that he was right. Those words have continued to linger, not ever far from my thoughts. Summer was a time to practice and […] The post Success Made In The Summer appeared first on Focus Therapy.

Modernized Therapy

By Becky • May 3, 2023
By Samantha Cleveland PLMHP, NCC   Our world is constantly evolving, and it seems like each year so much growth is happening in the world of technology. Throughout the pandemic, this came in handy. Students moved to online school, a lot of jobs became remote, and how we received physical and mental health services changed. […] The post Modernized Therapy appeared first on Focus Therapy.

June 15 – Adversity or Opportunity for the Class of 2024

By Becky • June 9, 2022
By Tim Bennett, MGCP Over the past several months, I have been slammed with requests for mental performance coaching sessions regarding the NCAA recruiting process and its collateral damage on confidence, expectations, and by extension on-field/court performance. June 15 is right around the corner. For the class of 2024, you all know what this means. […] The post June 15 – Adversity or Opportunity for the Class of 2024 appeared first on Focus Therapy.

Mental Toughness, Mental Resilience and SISU: Part Two

By Becky • April 27, 2022
By: Tim Bennett, MGCP Mental Toughness vs. Mental Resilience, Part II Now that we know what mental toughness is, what is looks like, and how to develop it, let us now talk about mental resilience.  So then what is mental resilience? It is defined as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, […] The post Mental Toughness, Mental Resilience and SISU: Part Two appeared first on Focus Therapy.

Mental Toughness, Mental Resilience and SISU: Part One

By Becky • April 27, 2022
By: Tim Bennett, MGCP There is a lot of information about mental toughness and mental resilience.  They often times get confused.  This is a two part blog about each of those respectively and their similarities and differences. Mental Toughness vs. Mental Resilience – Part I What’s better? Every coach wants mentally tough players. Do they […] The post Mental Toughness, Mental Resilience and SISU: Part One appeared first on Focus Therapy.